If forced to sum it up in one word – despair. I felt a lack of hope, a heaviness of heart. All week it’s been a battle for my mind – wondering if I really am making a difference in a world cruel to even the most seasoned Christ-follower. Wondering if I had lost a step like a fog was hovering over my brain, struggling to remember details, to get the words “right”. Whatever that means.
I made a decision to follow Jesus at the ripe old age of 9. That’s five-plus decades ago. My story over those years has been wrought with many failures. Too many to count. Mostly brought on by following my own heart, not God’s or by someone else’s bad choices. But I’ve seen the exact opposite be true in those same crucial areas of my life. Why now? Why while serving God with all of the energy I can muster am I struggling to believe that I can trust Him, that He’s in control and can be counted upon to meet every need I have and more?
It’s been that way from the beginning. Adam and Eve decided that God was holding out on them, and it was time to take matters into their own hands. Saul feared the Philistine army, but God delivered Israel through a young shepherd boy with one perfectly placed smooth stone. The people of Israel stood in front of the Red Sea, pinned down facing certain death. God parted the sea, and they escaped on dry land, and they watched the judgment of those who would come against His people and His plan.
Early in the day, I had breakfast with a dear friend. We caught up on family life, his business, and our ministry. Hugged and headed into our day. Heavy-hearted still, my next stop was to our County Prison where I had a scheduled one-on-one with an inmate that I’ve grown fond of and have been mentoring for over 6 months. This will be his second Christmas in a row behind bars while doing a maxed-out sentence of 16 months. The last 20 years of his life have been spent in and out of the prison system. He knows Jesus but his addictions have dominated his highly traumatic life for years. I sat in front of him with a blank mind, Bible in hand, listening to more of his story, and nothing to add. As if I brought no value to this conversation or his life at all. That’s how bad it was. I prayed silently, God, give me something. I have nothing.
On the agenda that evening was Men’s Bible study. As a table leader, I facilitate our group conversations. I would rather have stayed home. Despair. Hopelessness. Do I have what it takes? God, please help!
Three things happened that night. God decided to answer my prayer.
I got a text from my friend, “Hey Steve. It was great spending time with you this morning. I appreciate your friendship”. God’s first answer.
At Bible study, I mentioned the brain fog in my meeting with Lewis at the prison and how hard it was to believe any of it mattered. Matt’s words were a healing balm. “Sometimes our presence in silence is all people need to feel valued and heard. The fact that you’re in prison where most of us would never go makes all the difference.” Wow. Number two.
It was raining heavily when I got home. I looked at the mailbox at the end of the driveway and God said. “Go get the mail”. In it was an envelope with a big sticker on the outside that said: “From Wild at Heart”. Anyone who knows me understands the eternal impact the message and ministry of Wild at Heart has had in my life. Immeasurable. In it was a letter from John Eldredge and Bart Hanson.
“Steve and Colleen, Surprise! And Merry Christmas! Bart and I were brainstorming with the Team earlier this year about finding a way to express how much we appreciate you, how deeply grateful we are for your partnership in this beautiful mission. What could we send that you couldn’t find on Amazon, something you don’t need to regift, something that might actually bring you the presence of God and his beautiful Kingdom?
Then someone shouted, ‘The manuscript!’
Of Course! Perfecto!
It is our delight to put into your hands a pre-release manuscript of my new book. Experience Jesus. Really. Finding Refuge, Strength, and Wonder Through Everyday Encounters with God”
“Faith has always been a fragile thing in the human heart. Precious, lifesaving, but fragile, in the way a coral reef is fragile, or a fawn in the woods. It is something to be protected.” – John Eldredge from that very same manuscript.
And the third time. Need I say more? There it is, finding my refuge, my strength, and my wonder through everyday encounters with God.
God sent me a rescue. He showed me, in the depths of my despair, that He cares. He sees me. He understands my uncertainty and doubt. He gets me.
Friends, God wants a deep and intimate relationship with us. He comes through. We simply need to trust and obey. Listen and believe.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
